Don't Panic.

Help! It's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I haven't got her a gift.

Look, I’m only going to say this once. Your wife does not need any more body lotions. Or candles. Let’s face it, she probably won’t like that necklace you saw in the shop window yesterday on your lunch break, and she’s not likely to have the time to read that non-fiction book about a topic you think she must be interested in because she mentioned it once or twice. And unless she has specifically asked for it, do not buy her lingerie.

Right. Now that that’s out of the way, what should you buy for your wife? Since you absolutely can’t buy her the sorts of things you probably think most women like, and since these are just about the only things you’ve been able to come up with since you started thinking about it two weeks ago, and now her birthday is tomorrow and for the love of God, why can’t you think of anything good, why, why, why, let me spell it out for you.

Your wife almost certainly wants things that only she can pick out. Maybe it’s a new handbag, or a new pair of shoes. Maybe she wants some jewellery or perfume because it’s a romantic gift and maybe she thinks she wants you to surprise her with it, but let’s face it, you’d pick the wrong one anyway. Perhaps she has been hoping for a slightly pricey tool or some materials for her current hobby (Sewing? Baking? Upcycling? Gardening? You’d better know this, at least!), or maybe what she really wants is a whole day at the spa while you experience what it’s like to be managing your brood on your own.

If she hasn’t given you a list or asked you for something very specific, and I mean, given you a url to the exact thing and told you the size and colour, then this is what you do to make sure your wife gets exactly what she wants for her birthday.

First, you find someone to look after your kid/s so you can take her out to a nice dinner. Preferably on her actual birthday. Then, you choose a restaurant that she hasn’t been to before, that has a stellar menu and is of a cuisine that you know she loves. Make sure it’s not too cheap. Make sure it’s not so expensive that you’ll both feel like you have to skimp on the wine or the dessert. You do not skimp on wine or dessert on your wife’s birthday.

Next, you get her a card. You write her a really thoughtful message, and you include a homemade voucher that entitles her to buy whatever present she wants for her birthday. Now, depending on your financial situation (and her spending habits), you can choose to put a maximum amount on here, or not. Only you know whether your wife is likely to overspend or not. You will also need to make sure your kids have made their own card. With a lovely message.

Finally, you need to make sure that she has a special breakfast on her birthday. If you’re all going to work and school, that doesn’t mean you need to wake up at 5am to make waffles from scratch. You can buy something pre-made that is quick and easy to prepare. It just needs to be something a bit different from the usual fare. Preferably with sugar, if she’s into that sort of thing (hint: she is). Make breakfast for her, feed the kids and get them ready for the day (without asking her where their drink bottles are), give her the card and a kiss, and tell her that you love her and you’re really looking forward to a nice dinner together.

Bingo.