Help! It's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I haven't got her a gift. Look, I’m only going to say this once. Your wife does not need any more body lotions. Or candles. Let’s face it, she probably won’t like that necklace you saw in the shop window yesterday on your lunch break, and she’s not likely to have the time to read that non-fiction book about a topic you think she must be interested in because she mentioned it once or twice. And unless she has specifically asked for it

A years-old (read: pre-novel-writing) humourous piece. If I should write romantic comedy film scripts, I should be a true proficient, for I doubt anyone has as good a natural taste as I.